Prieten de soarta

Ea stia ca el nu-i poarta niciun gram de pasare. Renuntase in final la orice credinta. Drumul ei fiind anevoios in spate,obosita de dulce chin. Diminetile erau seci si inca se intreba care e de fapt motivul pentru care-si mai nastea capul din perna ce o iubea.
Ce nu stia ea insa,e ca el se trezea diminetile cu o ora mai devreme,ca sa poata sa ajunga la liceu. Geamul clasei lui,cel mai din stanga,dadea direct in fata blocului ei. Statea si o astepta sa iasa,doar ca sa o priveasca.
Ea nu l-a vazut niciodata,fiindca nu mai stia sa-si tina capul sus dupa ce-a fost desprins violent de umarul lui. Mergea adormita,injurand circumstantele,sa ajunga la masina.
El statea sprijinit de coltul peretelui si o privea in gol. O admira din fruntea ultimului sarut,pana la varfurile despicate ale parului ei zapacit. Da,da. Asa era si ea,zapacita si visatoare. Mereu se impiedica de doua ori inainte sa deschida usa masinii. Era farmecul ei,dragalasenia intruchipata. Si el o privea zambind,cand in incercarile ei rastalmacite de a scoate masina din curte,se lovea de gardul viu din spatele ei. Aproape de fiecare data.
Pleca incet si grijluiu,fredonand melodiile ei de suflet. O auzea,fiindca avea geamul deschis ca sa-si aprinda tigara matinala. In adierea racoroasa a zilelor posomorate de liceu,mirosul de flori al parului ei ii ajungea in simtiri. El n-a avut nicicand curaj.
Doi prosti ce suspinau in tacere.

Public speaking competition 2014

Living through the hallways

Theme: Life is the most difficult exam

I think that our life sets its beginnings when we become teenagers. Because before that,we lived on the principles that our parents taught us. In adolescence,we tend to spend more time alone and that way,we begin to discover ourselves. We start to realize our perspective towards every aspect of this world,and most of the times,our perspective is way different than what we have been taught.

                These had to be said,because what I am about to do,has to make sense. Let’s play a game. Imagine that your entire life is like the years you spend in high-school. And we start high-school in our teenage years. Remember how scared you were as a freshman,walking for the first time on such big hallways? That’s where it all starts for every one of us. We wander confused through the entire building,not knowing where to go. But then we meet some people that are just as lost as we are and they might lead us to the right or maybe the wrong path. In real life,I like to call these people in a simple way: “friends”.

After all those circumstances that you have considered scary,given the fact that every start is pretty frightening,you get into your class and you meet the teachers. In life,your mistakes are the greatest teachers. Later on,you are given tests,like crossroads. Take an interesting fact here: you can’t quite copy. Because everyone has a different question paper. You cannot live your life based on someone else’s. Just a second,I take this back. Of course you can live someone else’s life. But where will this actually get you? Every person has its unique personality and way of doing and dealing with things. It’s like you’re given the same directions as another person,just on different maps. So you’ll be stuck at the same crossroad until you realize that you should learn your lessons and go on your own way.

As time goes by,you start to get used to the way things happen. You already know most of the people that are going to your school and you don’t get lost anymore in the building. You are also used to be given tests,because they are almost at the same difficulty all the time and you don’t try so hard studying for them anymore. This is not a bad thing,as you might think. In life,this is gaining experience. But don’t worry. The waves of change never passed anyone without touching them. Some of your teachers might leave,and other strict ones will replace them. Lessons are getting harder to understand,you will probably fail some of the tests and start freaking out. In those moments you have to recall the experience you have gained and update it. As far as I’m concerned,nothing is impossible if your will to accomplish something is alive.

For example,through my life so far,I have failed a lot of tests myself. I never seemed to bother,never seemed to care. I was soaked and stuck in my own misery,never determined to study,as in learning my lessons,no matter how hard my teachers,my mistakes bugged me. I was making up excuses after excuses,shouting that that’s the way that I am and I have to be accepted. I was always lying to myself,believing that I’m always right. But one day it just hits you,just like it hit me,when you don’t have anything to do on an idle Tuesday. Or maybe you need a big impulse,a huge mistake to smack you in the head. It got me thinking: What am I doing with my life? It took me a while to get back on the track,but at least now I’m at peace.

The tests will always be repeating. You will be constantly learning,making your way right to the end,shaping yourself through all the lessons,mistakes and people that you’re going to interfere with,along  the path that you’ve chosen. Because life is what you make it and your whole life is a story. Make sure it’s inspiring.

Afterwards,everything comes to an end. I guess there is a rather interesting feeling when you’re close to this. I think life itself is not an exam. It’s actually a sequence of tests that lead to a final exam. That exam consists in one simple question: Am I happy with what I’m leaving behind? After that,who knows what happens? But as the wise Dumbledore said: “To the well-organized mind,death is but the next great adventure.”

Visatori cu plumb in ochi

Doua masti pe sute de fete

Ce arata pictate incurcat orgolii

Dar inauntru ele ascund

Nimic din ce ar trebui ascuns

Sa fii sincer azi e un pacat

Nu stii ce sa crezi din ochii ce-i privesti

Lacrimile lor se milogesc la tine

Sa cazi in genunchi si sa mai speri

Ca apoi tu singur sa-ti infigi

Acelasi cutit de dinainte

Cu sangele deja uscat pe lama veche

Pe masa paharele sunt goale

In scrumiera filtre arse

Scaunele imprimate de prezenta

Aici a avut loc un razboi

Fiecare tabara crede ca si-a castigat lupta

Tot asa si pana cand?

Cand stai sa te gandesti 

Ca s-a intamplat totul fara cauze

Doua tari ce n-au ce sa-si mai spuna

Se-ntalnesc mereu la drum

Se saluta cu arme o vecie

Si un tipat

Nu va fi nicicand intre ele

Sol de pace

12 fix pe Revolutiei

Uitasem placerea

Cum e sa te plimbi

Cand noptile le-am ingropat in somn adanc

Cu pastile,fara etanol

In urechi imi rasuna ipocrizia

Ce-mi trezeste adanc nevroza

In capul meu urla pitici

Si ma uit strident in luminile orasului

Sa-mi arda privirea

Ca sa nu mai vad ce am in jur si ce-am pierdut

Plutesc printre cadavre ce-si dau titlul de oameni

Am fost si eu candva

Dar acum sunt un "infer"

Destinul sapa o plaga adanca

Intre mine si ei

Asta seara

Am vazut cum din neant

Apare silueta virgina

Nestrivita de viata

Ce merita condamnarea in infern

Cum pasesc nervos

Ma incalzesc pana la oase

Dorind ca toamna sa-mi dea frigul

Sa simt

Sa traiesc

De ce?

Ca printre fiinte parsive si meschine

Sa ma tarasc

Fiindca dragostea e-nalta ca Eiffel-ul

Iar eu sunt cat un pui de vrabie

Ploile nu mai vin sa spele bulevardul

Plin ochi de suspinele mele

Imi astern in pat scenarii

Ce in mod cert in veci nu se desfasoara

Ma trezesc

E soare afara

Si ma-ntreb in fiecare dimineata

Tot ce-am simtit a fost un vis?

- pentru Robert

Me,in everything

When I'm by myself

And I close my eyes

I'm a denied pain

I'm the running drops of rain

I'm the gently sound of the guitar

I'm the fading sun from miles afar

I'm a wide awake dream

I'm the smell of peach ice cream

I'm the moon that watches over

I'm the forth leaf of a clover

I'm the bishop in a game of chess

I'm the most constructive mess

I'm the blind that claims to see

I'm the love that was never meant to be

I'm a tea on Sunday evening

I'm an open wound that is still bleeding

I'm the first leaf that falls in autumn

I'm the last word in a post mortem.

I'm the weak unfearful beast

That is still alive at least

I'm me through all I exist

Passionate and summer kissed.

inspired by Eloise Greenfield poem "When I'm all by myself".

Farewell

Tremuranda-mi tin mana pe hartie

Am sifonat-o stramb de durere.

In suflet adunata mi-e bruma

Si-mi lasa roua rece sa-mi curga pe obraji.

N-am curaj sa impart cu tine gandul meu

Pierit.

Ai plecat cu constiinta nepatata

Luandu-mi vremurile portocalii din ceruri.

Am aflat ca tu esti cel ce nordul mi-ai furat.

Cautand debusolata,de mine m-am impiedicat.

Ma trag inapoi in lanturi catre tine,

Tu nu mai esti sa vezi chinul din mine.

Ma pierd in zare iar si iar

In ureche cu planset sincopat de pian.

Imi amintesc subit acea zi trista,

Cu adio ti-am suflat printr-o batista.

Te-am privit pana-ai plecat,

Speram o eternitate in gandul tau eu sa mai fi stat.

Deja pun pariu c-ai si uitat.

Am sa te caut in genunchi prin lume,

Dand de mii de exemplare de "tine".

Niciunul nu m-a acoperit.

Erai arcusul viorii mele.

Nu mai stiu sa cant decat la stele.

Nici ele nu te mai aduc inapoi.

M-arunc in viata fara vreun drum,
Era mai bine langa tine acum.

Sunt sigura ca soarta-mi va incropi o alta dragoste,

Fara de tine sa nu mai simt in mine-o pacoste.

O durere

O lacrima

Tacere.

Are sa ma tina-n brate si iar am sa cersesc

Cu lacrimi calde pe sufletul sau ceresc.

Deja straina

Existam ieri,undeva singura in noapte. Eu una asa mi-am dorit. Ma uitam in gol prin fumul ce-mi salta din cerul gurii. Nu mai stiam ce sa fac,asa ca am stat,lipita de ciment. In fundal era o melodie asa draga mie. Am inchis ochii sa-mi ascund cioburile de lacrimi dintre gene. Nici sa plang cum trebuie nu mai stiu. Am simtit un gol in stomac. Privind in sus catre felinarul pal,in bataia vantului pitigator,rapuneau frunze uscate. Auzeam crengile smiorcaind de durere. Am ramas acolo prostita cu gura cascata fiindca nu stiam cum le puteam ajuta. 

E ea. Se stinge..incet,ca o lumanare in apa ce-a fost odata stalp sustinator si puternic de ceara. Tuseste adieri racoroase si se inveleste cu nori de-ascunde stelele. N-am apucat sa ma bucur de tine. Ai sa pleci iar si de data asta iei tot ce-am eu mai drag. Imi arunci in cap toata viata si singuratatea,problemele si nelinistea. 

Esti grabita ca un cersetor la o mana-ntinsa cu o paine calda. O iei si pleci. Nu mai stai la povesti. Asta-mi faci tu mie. Nici n-am apucat sa ma bucur de tine. Cateodata ma intreb ce ti-am facut de ma lasi prada mortii lumii.

De la inceputul tau am trait de parca o sa fii vesnic. Te pastrezi doar pentru altii. Nu credeam c-ai sa te duci. Probabil te-ai imbolnavit din pamant de oameni acri si rautaciosi. Te-nteleg ca vrei sa pleci. Dar macar ia-ma cu tine,sau..nu-i lua pe ei. De fapt,stii ce? Ia-ne pe toti. Vreau sa rad in hohote si sa simt iarba moale sub spatele meu iar si iar. Vreau sa simt mirosul lemnelor ce mocnesc in foc si caldura blajina a serii sub aripa lunii pline inca vreo mie de ani. 

Ai fost pentru mine ca cea mai buna prietena,atat de apropiata. Mi-ai scris povesti in piele si-n suflet,mi-ai dat lacrimi si zambete. M-ai crescut si m-ai maturizat,m-ai innebunit de cap. Mi-ai dat tot ce am mai bun.

Anul asta tot tu esti cea care-mi schimba radical viata. E inevitabil ce vrei sa faci. Dar m-ai ranit profund. Nici nu vreau sa ma gandesc la ce va urma. Vor fi nopti cu ger si fara somn,de-o singuratate mai crunta ca viscolul de-afara. Vor fi zile in care-mi voi dori sa mor. Doamne,nu ma lasa. Ma vor prinde iar in mrejele lor,pacalindu-ma sa-mi inchid sufletul si facandu-ma sa uit sa zambesc.

Promite-mi ca te intorci repede cu soare si zambete,fara de griji,cu parul dat dupa umeri,smechera si vioaie,asa cum te stiu de cand m-am modelat subtil in lume. As vrea sa poti sa ma lasi s-o iau iar de la capat,cu tine-n spate an dupa an. Mai lasa-ma macar o data.

N-o sa-mi inteleaga nimeni firea tragica pe care tu o retusezi si o ascunzi. Pleci si iese monstrul din mine. Nimeni nu stie cu adevarat ce rani adanci imi lasa departarea ta.

"Pan' la dementa,jur,mi-a mai ramas un vis."

                                            - Marcel Bostan

P.S.: Copil prost cu vise mari,nu mai cauta prin lume ceva ce ai deja langa tine. Caci colindand alte meleaguri aievea,ai sa pierzi tot ce sperai sa ai. Ai sa uzi pereti cu septembriile din ochii tai.

Si acum,ca sa adaugam putina culoare tristetii (si ca sa se prinda tot neamu de ce am avut de zis mai sus):

What is happening in Istanbul?

Stiu,nu am mai postat de mult timp. Dar asta nu inseamna ca nu sunt inca aici. Nu fac asta foarte des. Cred ca au trecut 2 ani de cand am facut asta ultima data. Nu obisnuiesc sa postez pe blogul personal chestii scrise de altii,insa sunt unele exceptii care trebuie scuzate,din anumite motive. Am gasit pe net o scrisoare a unui tip din Istanbul,postata probabil acum cateva zile. I was deeply touched si vreau sa o cititi si voi. Credeti-ma ca merita !


"To my friends who live outside of Turkey:
I am writing to let you know what is going on in Istanbul for the last five days. I personally have to write this because most of the media sources are shut down by the government and the word of mouth and the internet are the only ways left for us to explain ourselves and call for help and support.
Four days ago a group of people who did not belong to any specific organization or ideology got together in Istanbul’s Gezi Park. Among them there were many of my friends and students.  Their reason was simple: To prevent and protest the upcoming demolishing of the park for the sake of building yet another shopping mall at very center of the city. There are numerous shopping malls in Istanbul, at least one in every neighborhood! The tearing down of the trees was supposed to begin early Thursday morning. People went to the park with their blankets, books and children. They put their tents down and spent the night under the trees.  Early in the morning when the bulldozers started to pull the hundred-year-old trees out of the ground, they stood up against them to stop the operation.
They did nothing other than standing in front of the machines.
No newspaper, no television channel was there to report the protest. It was a complete media black out.
But the police arrived with water cannon vehicles and pepper spray.  They chased the crowds out of the park.
In the evening the number of protesters multiplied. So did the number of police forces around the park. Meanwhile local government of Istanbul shut down all the ways leading up to Taksim square where the Gezi Park is located. The metro was shut down, ferries were cancelled, roads were blocked.
Yet more and more people made their way up to the center of the city by walking.
They came from all around Istanbul. They came from all different backgrounds, different ideologies, different religions. They all gathered to prevent the demolition of something bigger than the park:
The right to live as honorable citizens of this country.
They gathered and marched. Police chased them with pepper spray and tear gas and drove their tanks over people who offered the police food in return. Two young people were run over by the tanks and were killed. Another young woman, a friend of mine, was hit in the head by one of the incoming tear gas canisters. The police were shooting them straight into the crowd.  After a three hour operation she is still in Intensive Care Unit and in  very critical condition. As I write this we don’t know if she is going to make it. This blog is dedicated to her.
These people are my friends. They are my students, my relatives. They have no «hidden agenda» as the state likes to say. Their agenda is out there. It is very clear. The whole country is being sold to corporations by the government, for the construction of malls, luxury condominiums, freeways, dams and nuclear plants. The government is looking for (and creating when necessary) any excuse to attack Syria against its people’s will.
On top of all that, the government control over its people’s personal lives has become unbearable as of late. The state, under its conservative agenda passed many laws and regulations concerning abortion, cesarean birth, sale and use of alcohol and even the color of lipstick worn by the airline stewardesses.
People who are marching to the center of Istanbul are demanding their right to live freely and receive justice, protection and respect from the State. They demand to be involved in the decision-making processes about the city they live in.
What they have received instead is excessive force and enormous amounts of tear gas shot straight into their faces. Three people lost their eyes.
Yet they still march. Hundred of thousands join them. Couple of more thousand passed the Bosporus Bridge on foot to support the people of Taksim.
No newspaper or TV channel was there to report the events. They were busy with broadcasting news about Miss Turkey and “the strangest cat of the world”.
Police kept chasing people and spraying them with pepper spray to an extent that stray dogs and cats were poisoned and died by it.
Schools, hospitals and even 5 star hotels around Taksim Square opened their doors to the injured. Doctors filled the classrooms and hotel rooms to provide first aid. Some police officers refused to spray innocent people with tear gas and quit their jobs. Around the square they placed jammers to prevent internet connection and 3g networks were blocked. Residents and businesses in the area provided free wireless network for the people on the streets. Restaurants offered food and water for free.
People in Ankara and İzmir gathered on the streets to support the resistance in Istanbul.
Mainstream media kept showing Miss Turkey and “the strangest cat of the world”.

***

I am writing this letter so that you know what is going on in Istanbul. Mass media will not tell you any of this. Not in my country at least. Please post as many as articles as you see on the Internet and spread the word.
As I was posting articles that explained what is happening in Istanbul on my Facebook page last night someone asked me the following question:
«What are you hoping to gain by complaining about our country to foreigners?»
This blog is my answer to her.
By so called «complaining» about my country I am hoping to gain:
Freedom of expression and speech,
Respect for human rights,
Control over the decisions I make concerning my on my body,
The right to legally congregate in any part of the city without being considered a terrorist.
But most of all by spreading the word to you, my friends who live in other parts of the world, I am hoping to get your awareness, support and help!
Please spread the word and share this blog.
Thank you!"

Leapsa

A trecut mult timp de cand nu am mai facut asa ceva,fiindca nu sunt genul meu,dar totusi sunt amuzante.
Deci,sa vedem ce avem aici.

Reguli:

1. Numeşte şi mulţumeşte persoanei-blogului care ţi-a acordat premiul.
2. Scrie 11 lucruri despre tine.
3. Răspunde la întrebările adresate şi formulează un set nou de 11 întrebări pentru următorii nominalizaţi.
4. Nominalizează 9 bloguri pe cale le admiri şi au mai puţin de 200 de urmăritori
5.Anuntă nominalizarea pe paginile fiecărui blog.

1. Multumesc: Authentic Rock pentru nominalizare. 

2. 11 lucruri despre mine : 

       1.Sunt o persoana deschisa si prietenoasa.

     2.Genul meu de muzica preferat este rock.

     3. Imi place sa-mi petrec timpul cu prietenii prin baruri. (nu,nu sunt o depravata)

     4. Imi place intr-un mod deosebit tot ce e legat de Harry Potter sau Radiohead.

     5. Sunt o persoana care se simte mereu complexata de aspectul sau fizic.

     6. Iubesc si sufar,iar asta imi ocupa tot timpul.

     7. Ador vara si tot ce e legat de ea,simtindu-ma fericita doar cand e soare afara.

     8. Imi place sa scriu.

     9. Imi iubesc prietenii si as fi gata oricand sa fac orice pentru ei. (alt complex: nu stiu daca e reciproc)

    10.Imi place mult sa joc jocuri de tipi si sa nu inteleg niciodata ce trebuie facut.

    11. Mereu mi-am dorit sa am un labrador.

Intrebarile lui Authentic Rock:

    1. Care este trupa/ cantaretul/ cantareata ta preferata ?

         Trupele mele preferate (nu ma pot decide din anumite motive) sunt Linkin Park,Green Day si Radiohead iar cantaretul meu preferat este Ed Sheeran.

    2. Ce talent ai ?

         Lumea-mi spune ca stiu sa cant foarte frumos.

    3. Ce vrei sa te faci cand o sa fi mare ?

         Psiholog

    4. Unde ai vrea sa calatoresti ?

         Anglia si USA.

    5. Care a fost motivul pentru care ti-ai facut un blog ?

         Am simtit nevoia de a impartasi ceea ce simt cu alti oameni,poate chiar sa ii ajut,facandu-i sa vada ca nu sunt singuri :)

    6. Care este filmul tau preferat si de ce ?

          Sweeney Todd. Pentru ca imi place foarte mult povestea si mai ales melodiile din film. Si imi place ca ma regasesc mult  in personajul Mrs. Lovett.

    7. Melodia preferata ?

        REO Speedwagon - Keep On Loving You

    8. Care este serialul tau preferat ?

         Friends

    9. Care e materia ta preferata ?

         Engleza

    10. Ce faci in timpul liber ?

            Citesc,ma uit la filme sau ma joc LOL.

    11. Ce parere ai despre blogul meu ? :D 

           Mi se pare o idee foarte interesanta.

 Intrebarile mele:

1. Cum te-ai descrie in 3 cuvinte?

2. Daca ar fi sa traiesti intr-un taram fictional sau de poveste,ce ai alege?

3. Unde te vezi peste 10 ani?

4. Ai iubit vreodata pe cineva,la fel de mult cum Julieta il iubea pe Romeo?

5. Unde ai vrea sa mergi la facultate (profil,oras) si de ce?

6. Care este melodia care iti da speranta in vremurile cele mai grele?

7. Care este locul tau de "scapare"?

8. Ce trupe ai vazut live pana acum?

9. Care este personajul tau preferat dintr-o carte? Argumenteaza.

10. Ce persoana te inspira si cum?

11. Care este mancarea ta preferata?

Authentic Rock,esti nominalizata la aceasta leapsa la comentarii. Mai departe nu stiu cui sa dau aceasta leapsa,dar oricine are blog si vrea sa se distreze putin,sa-i dea drumu'.

Scurt istoric

                             

Ochii orbi de adancul chipului meu,

Urechile asurzite de soaptele pe care ti le-am insiruit,

Buzele ruginind de lipsa sarutului meu,

Pielea inarmata cu sarma ascutita de atingerea degetelor mele reci,

Aratand ca n-ai pus filtru pe suflet.

Esti ca o tigara tare si fara rost

Intr-o dupa amiaza-n care din cer curg ploi de sange.

Trebuie eu sa scuip pe pamant veninul ce-l lasi in urma.

Ceva din el mi-a scapat in procesare,

Simt si-acum pe varful limbii mele amarul plecarii tale.

Te-am gasit si m-am strecurat in tine.

Locul e gol si pustiit,te-ai asuns de mine,

In alta inima in care nu te-ai fericit.

Simti acum gustul ironic al propriului venin,

Presarate adanc in buzele mele inecate in timp,cu vin.

Te-ntorci pe drumul tau atat de singur si de dragoste flamand,

Nestiind ca tot la pas cu mine ai sa mergi in gand.

Public speaking contest 2013

Thoughts gone beserk

Theme: A house divided against itself,cannot stand

       Since the moment we are brought to this world, since that exact moment when we open our eyes; everything in this world parts in little pieces of rope, that tie in knots perfectly. Every action that we do along this path called life,  is a small, but important piece of a big puzzle. That big puzzle is what our future holds. This is why the best advice for a living man, is never to miss an opportunity, no matter how insignificant it seems it is. It could be key knot to the rope, and if we refuse to tie it, we might never get to the best, most wished end of our lives.
     
      Like atoms and particles that make up everything that we touch and feel, so is any particular person that lives on this planet. We are equal, and let’s face it; the world wouldn’t be the same without you, me, him or her. And speaking about human beings, I would like to place a beautiful image in your minds. I want to tell you the story of my favorite myth: Plato's myth of the Androgyne. I’m not really into this kind of things, but this one got my attention.
   
      According to Theosophy, Zeus created androgynous souls, equally male and female, immersed in one. Later theories say that the souls split into separate genders, probably because they incurred karma while playing around on the Earth. Since then, each half seeks the other. This is why we search around the world, to find our perfect match. And yet, this might be a proof that we are incomplete since the beginning of our lives.
   
      I've heard this story one year ago, and I got stunned. I got stunned thinking that there are many people that have found their other half, and there are so many people that think that they’ve found it, but they haven’t, and probably they don’t even know that yet. And there are so many more still searching. What did we actually learn from this, when there is so much pain and hate in this world? Why would you hurt somebody that might complete you? We see people breaking up, divorcing, fighting and most of all, suffering, every day. I blame us for being so selfish sometimes. I blame us for using other people.
    
      Finding a soulmate has been the toughest journey a man could face, if he’s interested, of course. Also, one thing should be known:  you will always need the help of other people, preferably friends. You might be asking why. Well, you can’t drive alone on the toughest road of your life. As I told you before, everything is linked.  How? Well, let me explain. Every one of us will be hurt along the road; hit by rocks, pushed away by powerful winds, and probably the first idea that would come into your minds is to let the whole struggle go and just give up. You really forgot that all the good things happen to those who wait, did you? Most things don’t work out the way people plan. That is the moment when you think that nothing matters anymore and you try to run away from people, so far away that no one could ever find you. Funny though, the more you try to get away from people, the closer you get to them.  And in that exact moment you are always found by your friends, and they are pushing and pulling just to wake and motivate you. They say if you start out depressed, everything else will be a pleasant surprise. What would you do without them?
    
       I know a lot of people that are constantly telling me that I have to learn to go through life with only the help of myself.  I often get angry in these situations, because they know better than me that that is not possible. They are only bragging, I don’t know what for. I was never ashamed of asking for help from anybody. I like to believe that asking for help is a sign of courage. It shows that you overcame your pride and actually the words that people have told you all through your life, made you the person that you are today.
    
       Maybe you won’t listen, maybe you don’t understand. You might be thinking that I’m only talking nonsense. I understand you. But all those things I said were born from my own experience. I’m only at the beginning of this journey and I’ve already been pushed and pulled. I stumbled, I fell. I refused to take advice from my closest friends, and I got worse. I believed that I have to learn only from my mistakes, but the people telling me those things knew what they were saying. Life is a climb, but the view is great. So I took their hands in mine, and I raised.  Because we are as strong as we are united,as weak as we are divided. And now I am new...and I am free.

VST

Vreau sa ma trezesc din somn,sa ma uit la ceas si sa fie ora 4. Sa-mi deschid ochii grei si obositi,iar cu ei sa strabat camera luminata pana la fereastra. Sa ma ridic desculta,timida si sa privesc catre cer. Acolo sus sa ma astepte un soare ce-mi mangaie cu caldura toate ranile si le vindeca,dandu-i pielii mele un miros bland de corcoduse coapte. Sa fie dogoare,eu sa stau pe balcon si sa musc cu sete dintr-un mar. Sa cante si sa adie pasarile prin copacii imbracati in verde carnaval.

Sa stau acolo linistita,gandindu-ma ca am timp. Am timp de toate si sunt iubita. Sa ma uit in jur si sa zambesc,cat de tare pot eu. Caci poate chiar voi fi iubita si lumea din jurul meu e un mister dezvaluit si vesel.

As lua cu mine pe oricine sa ne plimbam,seara pe faleza,cand copiii se alearga razand cu gura pana la urechi prin parcuri si deja greierii se pregatesc de hora. Sa stau intinsa pe iarba si sa ascult atent murmurul raului care curge maiestos printre pietre. Sa stau acolo intinsa,in iarba in care m-am nascut si sa astept momentul intalnirii cu iubita mea. Draga si iubita mea luna,a carei raze imi aduc zambetul. Luna ma face sa dansez si sa nu-mi mai fie frica de intuneric.

Vreau sa-mi petrec noptile tarzii strabatand natura si sa ma bucur de atingerea jucausa a vantului racoros dupa o zi ce mi-a umplut sufletul de caldura. As strabate nopti intregi asteptand mereu cu sufletul la gura cerul ce se va face albastru senin,ca ochii pe care ii iubesc.

Mi-as lua bicicleta si as fugi in campuri de floarea soarelui,intr-o rochita si o palarie mare de paie. M-as desfata in bratele lor in timp ce soarele mi-ar inchide la culoare pielea. Si atat as rade,Doamne..cat de fericita as fi.

Vreau ca toate astea la un loc sa faca armonie in inima mea dezordonata si sa ma faca sa uit ca iarna a trecut vreodata prin mine si m-a inghetat. Unde esti tu vara,cu diminetile tale tarzii,unde rasare soarele iar eu inca nu am adormit? Astept cu indarjire tigara promisa de pe balcon intre atatea flori parfumate,sub o liniste de aur,in care doar greierii mai au voie sa-si termine cantul.

Am sa adorm in cearceafurile mele cu mirosul marii si pentru prima data in mult timp,am sa pot respira. Voi simti in mine caldura mult asteptata si voi putea zice in soapta: traiesc..

Schizophrenia

Christmas lights. Lights. Everywhere but inside me. I look around,it's stiff and tough. I'm sick,so sick and I'm screaming bloody murder. Damn your eyes for making my heart melt into the ground. There's no one there to gather its liquid. Who am I to long for such fate? Fate? That poor thing,blamed for everything. I gotta stand up,or at least convince someone to do it for me. Blast !

I'm tired,but I'm not doing anything. I'm just picking up pieces of myself from different corners of this city. I'm all drunk and mental. Memories. I'm just lighting up cigarettes in lack of alcohol with antibiotics. They're not solving anything.

Bathroom. Hot water. Bubbles. Sharp needles. Blood.

What's that? It must be music. Do you know a synonym for this? It's magic. Why magic? Because you play it,in every way you can and it makes you go crazy,scream,die,float or even... Music is...pain. Teardrop. Blurry eyes.

Hahaha. What makes you think that I'm..haha..feeling bad? Oh honey,look at me,I'm not even crying. It's ok,shhh.. What? You wanna..hahahahaha..make it up to me? Dearly beloved,you're so silly. See this knife? I will stick it deep down your chest so you could feel it. It's all your fault,you little bitch. Don't scream at me you piece of shit,let your blood flow into the ground. Maybe all the flowers in the world will fade away,because you're that poisoned. Hahahaha !

I..I have no words to explain. Probably..happiness it's not meant to be. I'm always dragging myself,and after I just put myself back on my feet,I fall off again. Who am I kidding? I try to do the right things and refrain from the bad things every time. And guess what? It always goes wrong. I'm good to people,I help them with the little amount of force that I've gathered inside,and they still hurt me. I don't trust anyone anymore. I am constantly torn between killing myself and killing everyone around me. I tried everything I could,I ran all the miles and did all the good deeds. I still don't have the knowledge to fly.

Blank

Orasul e din nou invalmasit. Arata de parca cineva a sters tot pamantul si ne-a lasat sa umblam pe nimic. Alb,stralucind culori. Sunt peste tot lumini incetosate care-mi lumineaza prea putin calea. Ma uit in spate pe zapada fara de urma,doar eu am trecut pe aici. Incep sa rad in scarba,nici macar frigul nu ma agreeaza. Imi intra direct in gat si ma sufoca. Cineva chiar vrea sa ma vada sub nimicul ce noi obisnuiam sa-l numim pamant. Daca nici macar o nefiinta nu ma poate agreea,cum pot fi iubita de o fiinta?
Tot ce pot sa fac e sa ma intoc in frigul pal de acasa unde toti se prefac ca sunt fericiti. Casa e impodobita toata cu fel de fel de funde,flori,lumini si..nimicuri. Si asteptam ce? O zi in care totul va fi la fel,doar ca in plus,avem un copac imbracat cu toate prostiile in coltul camerei. Si sub el si anul asta,orice ar fi..nu-mi aduce mie nicio fericire.
Ma uit pe geam si ma pierd in golul de jos. Imi vin in cap atatea ganduri si iluzii,ca desi nu se intampla niciodata,nu stiu de ce mi le fac. Sa ma simt eu bine,sa se simta casa mai plina? Sa ma rog? Poate. Am vreun motiv? Prea multe. Ma asculta cineva? Nu va mai sinchisiti.
Maine e o noua zi,in care cu totii sarbatorim ca am reusit sa mai trecem printr-o saptamana de nopti dormite prea putin,dureri de cap si nervi intinsi pana la punctul de pocnire. Se vor ciocni si se vor sparge sticle. Pentru o seara imi pun o masca colorata pe chipul meu urat de lume. Imi sterge toate grijile si problemele,amintirile si tot ce ma apasa. Rad,rad cu pofta. Rad de rasul meu si al tau,al lui,al ei,al lor. Dansez,dansez zambind,dansez cu ochii inchisi,dansez in brate. Ma destind,uit,cant. Ajung apoi in patul meu din nou,poate voi plange,poate nu. Dar in sufletul meu oricum va fi un gol,la fel ca si-n pamant..

Iarasi

Ma uit in jurul meu,ca sa observ gardul de gheata care ma inconjoara si se apropie,pana ma lasa fara aer. Crezusem ca l-am facut sa dispara,dar se pare ca nu mi-am invatat deloc trucurile magice. E atat de tarziu si ninge. E atat de tarziu,iar mie mi s-a furat si ultimul gram de somn pe care il mai aveam. Am turnat pe gat cafele sa-mi trezesc mintea. Degeaba; niciodata nu va functiona cum imi doresc eu.
Imi deschid fereastra ca sa pot intinde mana cu care sa mangai frigul,dar el m-a taiat. Nici nu ma asteptam la altceva,eu cu iarna suntem foste iubite. Acum cand ne intalnim privirile ne aruncam cutite. Ii simt mirosul si mi se face dor,atat..atat...de....dor...
Cu fiecare fulg care atinge asfaltul,ma simt de parca sunt lovita cu pietre mari si grele in piept. Ma apasa atat de rau incat ma prabusesc pe jos langa fereastra. In amnezia mea ma gandesc ca vine Craciunul,voi fi iarasi singura printre toate lucrurile ce ma ranesc. Dar nu mi-ar intinde nimeni o mana ! Nici de-al dracului ! De ce ma simt de parca cer atat de mult? Cer doar sa fiu iubita,nu suflet de inger la schimb.
S-au sinucis norii deasupra mea; calc cu o oarecare retinere pe sangele lor alb care trosneste la fiecare miscare. Raman in urma pasii mei impiedicati si picaturi negre de rimel. Nu multumesc,sunt bine. Am sa ma duc sa ma trantesc undeva la coltul strazii,in liniste,cu un pahar de whiskey. Nu,nu mi-e frig. Am venit sa admir peisajul. Nu-mi place caldura iarna,e..e un fel de iluzie. Nu exista.
De aici de jos,de unde stau eu,cerul pare la fel de ticlam ca si parul meu ars si decolorat. Imi intra tot in ochi,nu mai am ce sa fac. Nici nu sunt sigura daca vad cerul. Dar vad fulgii aia nenorociti,plapanzi.
Am pierdut iubirea vietii mele. Unde esti tu,misterioasa luna? Ma uit in gol si mai iau o inghititura. Toata ma scutur,mi s-a impaturat privirea; mi-au inghetat lacrimile de pe fata. Nu am cum sa le mai dau jos,s-au tatuat,le voi simiti mereu urmele ce s-au infipt in obrajii mei. Nu-i nimic.
Ma duc inauntru,ar fi tare pacat sa adorm aici si sa mor de frig,cred unii. Eu..sunt o visatoare. Oricum mi se spune ca am capul in nori. Poate acolo mi-e locul,eu stiu?
Pe drumul meu scurt,mi se picteaza in fata nasului inrosit,un chip bine cunoscut. Am zambit si am simtit cum un fior imi incalzeste tot corpul. Apoi mi-am amintit ca nu insemn nimic si am vrut sa il lovesc. Din pacate,chipul era doar o iluzie,iar eu am dat cu toata puterea mea intr-un perete. Oare mai avem pansamente acasa?

 

Unknown poem

There were once two flowers,
Both were strong and healthy.
When the winter brought destruction,
They were like one,denying death.

But then summer arrived,
Weed came with his sweet talk.
He told the first one about the world
And about the happiness what it gives.

The first left the second,
While the second tried to stop the first.
The weed continued to poison him
And the second couldn't stop it.

Winter came to do some cleaning
And took the weed with him.
But when the second saw it,
He also saw the first next to him.

But the first didn't move,
Petals were colorless and lifeless.
That's when the second realized
What he had really lost.

Next summer,the gardener came.
He saw two flowers next to each other.
Both of them were shiny and beautiful,
Their leaves were holding each others'

But they never moved again..

                            - Eleven

Depressionless

M-am trezit atat de lenesa.. Ma alintam singura sub patura. Afara e frig si innorat,iar eu stau ghemuita si zambesc. E atat de liniste si asa caldut. Contemplez pe linii de blues seara trecuta,cand ma imbratisai cu atentie. Chicotitul tau imi gadila urechea si ti-am zis sa incetezi,fiindca am sa rosesc.
Ma uit la cer,cum se sfasaie incet vara si poftesc in aceasta atmosfera un pahar de whiskey. Ceva imi zice ca toamnei asteia am sa-i fac in ciuda. I-am furat acul ce-l avea de cojocul meu si mi-am cusut un zambet cu ata dura. Rupe-l daca mai poti,i-am soptit.
Ma va atinge rece vantul diseara,iar eu voi dansa pe langa apa. Vreau sa visez,fiindca stiu ca de data aceasta pot aduce trecutul in prezent si ma pot bucura de el. A zis cineva ca magia nu exista? Ma simt asa de smechera,ca o vulpe hoata. Tiptil,subtil,am sa te fur.

Black sheep

Ce faci in momentul cand nu mai ai ce face?
Ce faci tu ca persoana cand vezi ca impingi cu brutalitate persoanele de langa tine in timp ce defapt tu vrei sa le ajuti sau doar sa le fii alaturi?
E cel mai dureros lucru,in acelasi timp,cat se poate de enervant. Pentru ca in nestiinta si agitatia ta,devii atat de paranoic ca incurci si mai mult lucrurile. Ajungi sa ulri la ei: ce dracu sa mai fac??!! Si chiar asa,ce dracu sa mai faci? E atat de aiurea,pentru ca ti se spune sa fii tu insuti. Si te trezesti in lejeritatea asta de 'a fii tu insuti',pierdut. Ti se spune si ca nu e bine sa te ascunzi dupa masti. Ironic de tampit,nu?
Poate de as sti sa ma descurc cu problemele astea,as fi o persoana echilibrata. Insa eu sunt ca un om sarac care nu mai stie cum sa-si plateasca taxele.
Dar hei,se zice ca asta e amuzamentul,scoala vietii.
Game on !